How to Help One Who is Grieving

Many individuals feel the need to fix someone who is grieving.  This may stem from the misconception that grief is pathological and one must return to normal to find health and happiness.  The reality is grief and loss changes a person and is a lifelong process where the person learns to adjust and adapt to the loss.  If one has ever loved and lost, then one understands that the love tied to grief is the price of love in a broken world.

Grief Counselors who are either pastoral in nature or clinical in training may have different limitations in counseling and therapy but the same premise of initially helping the bereaved is universal.  Grief Counselors or even friends and family who wish to help the grieving must understand that no pithy saying or statement can heal the loss.  In fact, many well intentioned comments can cause more damage to the bereaved.  Such statements as “he/she is in a better place” or “God has another angel” or “You will move on” or “you must be strong” or “no more tears” are all statements that look to direct away the discomfort of the present and attempt to force the person into accepting something the person may not be ready to accept.   One needs to put away one’s words and instead listen and acknowledge the intensity of the present pain.

First, instead of unhelpful words that cause more damage, what are some things a family member or friend should say and do for the bereaved?  First, acknowledge the loss instead of trying to dismiss it or pushing one to heal immediately from it.   Statements such as, “I am here” or “What can I do for you” or “You can always call if you need talk” or “I am so sorry for your loss” are all powerful statements that show you acknowledge the pain of the bereaved and are offering one’s time and energy to listen.  Instead of grief bullying an individual into moving forward or not showing emotion, one encourages the bereaved to express emotion as the bereaved sees natural and befitting for one's pain.  Sojourning and walking with the bereaved involves listening and most importantly showing empathy for the bereaved.  It involves discomfort about the nature of loss and forces one not to dismiss it with pithy sayings but to face the raw power of emotion associated with loss.

Secondly, it is important to note that following the funeral of the deceased, many bereaved are forgotten.  Friends move on after the funeral event and due to less proximity with the loss resume normal living, however, those most affected by the loss continue to grieve and mourn.  Depending on the human connection and other subjective qualities between the deceased and the bereaved, some may grief more intensely than others.  Future birthdays, holidays and death dates will all bear significant emotional stress upon the bereaved.  Friends need to be aware that the life of the bereaved continues to involve the adjustment and pain of no longer having that person in one's life.  It is important then for friends to checkup on the bereaved and to call and see how the bereaved is feeling.  Believe it or not, despite the fear to bring up the past, the bereaved is already thinking about the deceased on this day and the kindness to simply ask how one is doing or feeling can go a long way.

In some cases, if the bereaved is showing no sign of healing over a six-month period to a year, then the bereaved may be suffering from prolonged grief, complicated grief or even depression.  In such cases, Grief Counseling may be needed to help the person adjust to the loss and incorporate the loss into one's current life.  Grief Counseling can help a person express the loss and find a way to find meaning in the loss as one continues to press forward in life.   In time, it is the hope with grief counseling for the bereaved to be able to understand the meaning of the loss, return to daily life and find happy memories in commemoration of the deceased.  

Summary

Friends can play a key role in helping the bereaved through the grieving process.  There are no shortcuts or magic words to make the bereaved again feel good but instead there is a grieving process that must be respected. Friends need to show empathy and support and be willing to sojourn with the bereaved.  In some cases, the bereaved may need additional assistance at the pastoral level or even clinical level.   Trained Bereavement Counselors can play a key role in helping the bereaved again find meaning in loss.